Random
which side would you choose if you had the decision to go with the god or satan?
The devil will make all your wishes come to true and god would make your life worth living.
maybe you would choose neither of their sides because you feel like you are an independant person who can take care of himself.
but the choice is still there. What would you do?
I would tell them both to go fuck themselves, neither god or satan has given me any help in my life.
If god created us, why the fuck did he create anxiety and depression without any guide on how we can cure it.
All of us that lives with this piece of shit disease hate you all for not understanding what kind of bullshit we have to go through.
Even the simplest things like introducing yourself can be hard for some and some people cant even bring themself to go outside their front door due to a mental lockdown in the brain.
Is suicide the key for us? No definitely not. Have you ever seen a flower plucked their own petals out? No
Suicide is unatural, suicide should never ever happend.
But what drives a person to suicide? It's a mix of the circumstance you are in and your thought process.
Your thoughts can twist you around so deep that you convince yourself that what you're telling yourself is the truth even though it could be batshit crazy.
Your thoughts can turn you into a prisoncell without walls without smell without people except your own inside voice.
A voice that will keep pondering on words and ideas which will have your brain twisted and turned and whatever the fuck you wanna call it.
It makes your brain into a maze which you will never find a way out from.
And by a maze I mean thoughts that keeps coming from every direction without a logical conclusion to even have them.
It's thoughts that only brings you down, it's thoughts that makes you feel unable to move. It's thoughts thats basically lock you in the position you are in.
How do we get out of these thoughts? People telling me to get a job and everything will turn around.
But the conclusion of getting a job is working everyday of the week get home tired, doing what you like for an hour or two because you are too tired.
And the key thing to this is. After you work. You get into the same daily routine that you would've had if you didnt work.
to get a paycheck to do "some" things. I might be completely wrong in what I say here. I don't know but from my experiences from working these shitty jobs I've had I always hated myself even more.
I found it hard to get there, I found it hard being social with the people there. I felt like the people judged me, I felt that the people were watching me all the time and I felt like I was looked at all the time.
And those feelings are uncomfortable as fuck for me. So what can I do? Drugs help with that for me. If I take my drug of choice, I'll work as a fucking boss.
But here in sweden if you take drugs you are a fucking monster, if you ask for help with drug abuse. They look down on you like you are some low life cunt who doesnt know whats best for themselves.
They never listen to the person thats actually asking for help. They have their steriotypical view of how people who use "drugs" are so they basically tell them to fuck off.
Telling them that they are always wrong with this fucking smug that they know so much more than yourself.
That's the type of people we have helping us. Atleast those I've met.
But what can we do about this? Do we take drugs in secret so we can keep going on with our lives being paranoid that a cop will come attacking us from not doing anything and making us pay a fine just so we can survive our daily lives?
Now I'm gonna write about my life at the moment. I start with what I'm doing. At the moment I'm thinking about my life, writing what comes to mind.
I'm playing a freeroll texas holdem, rekking the shit out of people.
Shared some words with a close friend of mine, talked just some regular shit talk. He's a good friend.
And I'm on steam talking with people.
I'm sitting here in a chair contemplating over my life. I'm stuck in a fucking loop. Same thing everyday. I'm trying to figure out a way to break this fucking infinite loop of being fucking stupid.
I need to find a way to remove my anxiety. I know drugs can give me a headstart in getting shit rolling. But I might get completely hooked.
And being dependant on a drug to functional is not a good idea. The best mind is a clear mind. A mind that can process thoughts without the influence of anything else but yourself.
I know all that but when being stuck in this anxious state of being locked down mentally is something that I have to cope with and have to fix.
How to fix this I dont know.
My friends are what keeps me alive to be honest. Without them I'd be dead long time ago. My friends have felt more like a family than my own family.
I love my friends more than everything, I'd give my life for my real friends anyday anytime any second. I don't think I've ever told them how much I actually love them.
I found stuff like that hard. I have a really hard time expressing how I feel. For me It's something very strange. Expressing feelings. I don't even think I know how to do it.
I'm not emotinally cold. But people might see me like that. Something that would be good working on is expressing oneself.
Another thing, getting in contact with people in genreal, especially girls. I have no fucking clue what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do.
I just feel stupid being around them. It feels like they think I'm the most boring motherfucker they have ever met ever.
How does someone do to fix that? The only conclusion on how to fix that is by trying to be myself and stop giving a fuck of what others think.
I've taken alot of shit in my life so I really dont give a shit what anybody thinks or say about me. But that statement makes me a fucking hypocrite because that's exactly one of my problems.
Social anxiety is hard to cope with but it's not impossible. all we can do is keep fighting
YOU CAN TAKE MY LIFE BUT YOU CANT TAKE HIP HOP AWAY FROM ME
what to do what to do, I have to get clean from drugs so I can give a clean urine sample. After that I have to go to a place and have meetings so I can start getting my drivers license.
If I do that, I start getting money from the goverment. How easy as that sounds it's not. It takes patience as a motherfucker. I know that I need medication to function in the social life.
I'm in line for being evaluated by a psychiatrist. If they say I'm completely sane sure. Then I have to start buying the drug I need and start fixing this shit ilegally so I can get my life rolling
I need a job, I need money and I need to fucking start raking in cash. I live in a fucking basement at my grandmothers place looking into a screen that could be just a plain blank fucking screen because it doesnt take me anywhere.
I sit here, feel "sorry" for myself even though it's all me that needs to do a fucking change. Ever heard of the definition of insanity?
That's when you do the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. That's the loop I'm stuck in.
I'm gonna fix this shit. Get money and start living like a fucking king.
This shit life obviously doesnt work.
First you get that money and then you get that power. If you are a loser like me you are going to dwell into the darkness of the mind forever and ever and ever.
This shit needs a change, and to all that have the same problem. We need to do something to get out of this fucking hell hole.
Whatever it is I don't know. We live in a corrupt world, instead of complaining on the world that we live in, start fucking using it to your advantage.
But what do I know. I'm a fucking basement dweller sitting here with constant suicide thoughts wishing I could start living without this fucking anxiety.
I just wish that I could find a person that I can tell all my secrets to. My knowledge of all the fucked up things in the world
We live in a world that is run by psychopaths which indoctrinate young minds into believing shit that doesnt even matter for your mind.
And this shit is gonna keep on going and going and going. What can we do about that? We gotta be aware of it. We gotta use it. We gotta fuck them all over.
It's easy saying this shit in writing. That's all I can do. I'm a person stuck in a fucking bubble.
If someone can poke a hole in this bubble I'd be gladly accepting that offer. Doesnt matter how its done. Real truth is the key to change a person.
If the person isn't an ignorant fucking cunt.
I'm also looking forward to death. Our world is atomic. Everything we see everything we touch everything we breathe everything that exists is atomic.
What happends when we die? Do we go into a higher dimension? Does our soul travel to a different planet? Do we end up in a completely different universe?
Does everything just end?
I don't think everything will end, in my opinion, our world is way too perfect to just end. Men and female, reproduction, evolution, invention and so on.
It will just keeps going. THe world is like a cogg. A cogg in an even bigger cogg thats in an even much bigger cogg that keeps the world rolling.
But if the soul is real, what happends to it? It can't just disappear?
If you believe in a soul then you have to believe that the soul will take you to another place when your soul decides its time to leave your body.
To end this for now, Love you all that even thinks of me once in a while.
The devil will make all your wishes come to true and god would make your life worth living.
maybe you would choose neither of their sides because you feel like you are an independant person who can take care of himself.
but the choice is still there. What would you do?
I would tell them both to go fuck themselves, neither god or satan has given me any help in my life.
If god created us, why the fuck did he create anxiety and depression without any guide on how we can cure it.
All of us that lives with this piece of shit disease hate you all for not understanding what kind of bullshit we have to go through.
Even the simplest things like introducing yourself can be hard for some and some people cant even bring themself to go outside their front door due to a mental lockdown in the brain.
Is suicide the key for us? No definitely not. Have you ever seen a flower plucked their own petals out? No
Suicide is unatural, suicide should never ever happend.
But what drives a person to suicide? It's a mix of the circumstance you are in and your thought process.
Your thoughts can twist you around so deep that you convince yourself that what you're telling yourself is the truth even though it could be batshit crazy.
Your thoughts can turn you into a prisoncell without walls without smell without people except your own inside voice.
A voice that will keep pondering on words and ideas which will have your brain twisted and turned and whatever the fuck you wanna call it.
It makes your brain into a maze which you will never find a way out from.
And by a maze I mean thoughts that keeps coming from every direction without a logical conclusion to even have them.
It's thoughts that only brings you down, it's thoughts that makes you feel unable to move. It's thoughts thats basically lock you in the position you are in.
How do we get out of these thoughts? People telling me to get a job and everything will turn around.
But the conclusion of getting a job is working everyday of the week get home tired, doing what you like for an hour or two because you are too tired.
And the key thing to this is. After you work. You get into the same daily routine that you would've had if you didnt work.
to get a paycheck to do "some" things. I might be completely wrong in what I say here. I don't know but from my experiences from working these shitty jobs I've had I always hated myself even more.
I found it hard to get there, I found it hard being social with the people there. I felt like the people judged me, I felt that the people were watching me all the time and I felt like I was looked at all the time.
And those feelings are uncomfortable as fuck for me. So what can I do? Drugs help with that for me. If I take my drug of choice, I'll work as a fucking boss.
But here in sweden if you take drugs you are a fucking monster, if you ask for help with drug abuse. They look down on you like you are some low life cunt who doesnt know whats best for themselves.
They never listen to the person thats actually asking for help. They have their steriotypical view of how people who use "drugs" are so they basically tell them to fuck off.
Telling them that they are always wrong with this fucking smug that they know so much more than yourself.
That's the type of people we have helping us. Atleast those I've met.
But what can we do about this? Do we take drugs in secret so we can keep going on with our lives being paranoid that a cop will come attacking us from not doing anything and making us pay a fine just so we can survive our daily lives?
Now I'm gonna write about my life at the moment. I start with what I'm doing. At the moment I'm thinking about my life, writing what comes to mind.
I'm playing a freeroll texas holdem, rekking the shit out of people.
Shared some words with a close friend of mine, talked just some regular shit talk. He's a good friend.
And I'm on steam talking with people.
I'm sitting here in a chair contemplating over my life. I'm stuck in a fucking loop. Same thing everyday. I'm trying to figure out a way to break this fucking infinite loop of being fucking stupid.
I need to find a way to remove my anxiety. I know drugs can give me a headstart in getting shit rolling. But I might get completely hooked.
And being dependant on a drug to functional is not a good idea. The best mind is a clear mind. A mind that can process thoughts without the influence of anything else but yourself.
I know all that but when being stuck in this anxious state of being locked down mentally is something that I have to cope with and have to fix.
How to fix this I dont know.
My friends are what keeps me alive to be honest. Without them I'd be dead long time ago. My friends have felt more like a family than my own family.
I love my friends more than everything, I'd give my life for my real friends anyday anytime any second. I don't think I've ever told them how much I actually love them.
I found stuff like that hard. I have a really hard time expressing how I feel. For me It's something very strange. Expressing feelings. I don't even think I know how to do it.
I'm not emotinally cold. But people might see me like that. Something that would be good working on is expressing oneself.
Another thing, getting in contact with people in genreal, especially girls. I have no fucking clue what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do.
I just feel stupid being around them. It feels like they think I'm the most boring motherfucker they have ever met ever.
How does someone do to fix that? The only conclusion on how to fix that is by trying to be myself and stop giving a fuck of what others think.
I've taken alot of shit in my life so I really dont give a shit what anybody thinks or say about me. But that statement makes me a fucking hypocrite because that's exactly one of my problems.
Social anxiety is hard to cope with but it's not impossible. all we can do is keep fighting
YOU CAN TAKE MY LIFE BUT YOU CANT TAKE HIP HOP AWAY FROM ME
what to do what to do, I have to get clean from drugs so I can give a clean urine sample. After that I have to go to a place and have meetings so I can start getting my drivers license.
If I do that, I start getting money from the goverment. How easy as that sounds it's not. It takes patience as a motherfucker. I know that I need medication to function in the social life.
I'm in line for being evaluated by a psychiatrist. If they say I'm completely sane sure. Then I have to start buying the drug I need and start fixing this shit ilegally so I can get my life rolling
I need a job, I need money and I need to fucking start raking in cash. I live in a fucking basement at my grandmothers place looking into a screen that could be just a plain blank fucking screen because it doesnt take me anywhere.
I sit here, feel "sorry" for myself even though it's all me that needs to do a fucking change. Ever heard of the definition of insanity?
That's when you do the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. That's the loop I'm stuck in.
I'm gonna fix this shit. Get money and start living like a fucking king.
This shit life obviously doesnt work.
First you get that money and then you get that power. If you are a loser like me you are going to dwell into the darkness of the mind forever and ever and ever.
This shit needs a change, and to all that have the same problem. We need to do something to get out of this fucking hell hole.
Whatever it is I don't know. We live in a corrupt world, instead of complaining on the world that we live in, start fucking using it to your advantage.
But what do I know. I'm a fucking basement dweller sitting here with constant suicide thoughts wishing I could start living without this fucking anxiety.
I just wish that I could find a person that I can tell all my secrets to. My knowledge of all the fucked up things in the world
We live in a world that is run by psychopaths which indoctrinate young minds into believing shit that doesnt even matter for your mind.
And this shit is gonna keep on going and going and going. What can we do about that? We gotta be aware of it. We gotta use it. We gotta fuck them all over.
It's easy saying this shit in writing. That's all I can do. I'm a person stuck in a fucking bubble.
If someone can poke a hole in this bubble I'd be gladly accepting that offer. Doesnt matter how its done. Real truth is the key to change a person.
If the person isn't an ignorant fucking cunt.
I'm also looking forward to death. Our world is atomic. Everything we see everything we touch everything we breathe everything that exists is atomic.
What happends when we die? Do we go into a higher dimension? Does our soul travel to a different planet? Do we end up in a completely different universe?
Does everything just end?
I don't think everything will end, in my opinion, our world is way too perfect to just end. Men and female, reproduction, evolution, invention and so on.
It will just keeps going. THe world is like a cogg. A cogg in an even bigger cogg thats in an even much bigger cogg that keeps the world rolling.
But if the soul is real, what happends to it? It can't just disappear?
If you believe in a soul then you have to believe that the soul will take you to another place when your soul decides its time to leave your body.
To end this for now, Love you all that even thinks of me once in a while.
